If You See Her…
Unfiltered…If you see her…
I started this blog to “unstick” the words caught up in my head and throat. To speak life through my own vulnerability into my own life and into the lives of anyone who reads it. And, I guess, I get scared perhaps? I close in. It’s scary stepping into the calling that you have had laid on your heart. There’s these doubts and fears that box me in at times. So, I am turning to my poetry as that is a form of language that allows me to be in the “messy middle” which is right where I am. Part of my coping mechanisms to my complex trauma is become “Nurse Jesse” who has to enlighten people, educate people and feels the weight of the world on her shoulders. In my “becoming” or my “unraveling” I am once again confronted with the fact that there is nothing that I “should” be doing differently and that I cannot get it wrong, the chase is over. So, here we are opening up the flood gates of the flowing river that connects is all once again. Sending love to anyone who reads this who needs that surge of healing waters (including myself).
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“People may call what happens at midlife 'a crisis,' but it's not. It's an unraveling - a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're 'supposed' to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.”
- Brene Brown
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A Middle-Aged Woman
After the Crisis
If you see her…
Staying at home. Know that this is where she feels most safe in this world.
If you see her…
Killing it at the gym, until her body quakes…collapsing in a mound of sweat and tears. Know that this intensity is only some of what she feels inside.
If you see her…
Going to sleep at seven. Know that she is exhausted, on all levels. And needs deep rest.
If you see her…
Checking off her list of self-care, good nutrition, supplements, deep breathing, nature, yoga, and meditation. Know that she has learned to hard way that these are non-negotiable, they are her medicine.
If you see her…
Hands on her heart, taking deep breaths. Staring out into space. Or silent tears slipping down her cheeks. Know that she is allowing herself to feel, all of her humanity, without judgement anymore.
If you see her…
Putting one foot in front of the other, even when she feels completely overwhelmed. Know that she is still alive and that is all that matters.
If you see her…
Speaking up for herself, and saying “no” to you for the first time. Know that this is new for her. Give her some grace as she learns what it feels like to belong to herself and sets the boundaries that make her feel safe.
If you see her…
Being a softer and more vulnerable version of herself. Know that this is the only way she can now live, strength in her serenity.
If you see her…
Lending a hand to those who need her presence. Know that this is her purpose and a way to pay the grace she’s been given… forward.
If you see her…
Daydreaming a bit with a slight smile on her face or basking in the sun’s warm rays. Know that she is soaking in the magic of the moment and the peace offered.
If you see her…
Hugging her children, just a little bit too long. Know that her love and gratitude for them grows each and every day.
If you see her…
Doing life her way, in big and small ways. Know that this is perhaps the first time she is truly trusting herself even if she makes mistakes.
If you see her…
Walking slower. Not doing as much as she used to. Know that respite from the race was sorely needed and a new way of life required.
If you see her…
And you feel her presence and strength beginning to rise, and see a glimmer of hope radiation from her soul, know that she is simply becoming…
© Jesse B. 2023
