Ship Happens -Entropy

This week, I was explaining to my coach how I was feeling stuck and lost again (p.s. - coaching & therapy are so helpful). Looking back, this experience was a fantastic life lesson, albeit painful. I had found that in a few short weeks, nearly all of my life-giving habits that make me happy and healthy had systematically retreated into the background.

I had…

-       First, I stopped going to AlAnon meetings

-       Then, I stopped doing my morning meditation and body work

-       After that, I stopped reading my morning AlAnon & healing literature

-       Eating nutritiously was next for the scrapyard

-       Then I stopped doing my physical therapy and going the gym

-       My apartment got messier and messier

-       Lastly, I quit journaling & writing (including this blog)

My coach said with a familiar inner knowing… “Ahh… Entropy.”

I had never heard this word before and it very much intrigued me. In looking up the definition, I found a few and I apologize for the lack of citation but this is blog and so here we are (I guess Google it to learn more). She explained the relationship continuum between order and disorder and where entropy fell on the spectrum…

Entropy:

-       Lack of order, gradual decline into disorder

-       Loss of useful energy

-       A measure of disorder in a system

-       Describes how much energy is not available to do work

The more disordered a system, the higher the entropy, the less energy is available to do work. Chaos is natural and has to be put into order with practice.

These thermodynamic (energy, heat, work) laws state that entropy is actually inevitable and that chaos is a part of the natural aging process as well as the earth’s journey as well. So, as discouraging as that sounds that we are all hurling towards our ultimate end into chaos, it sort of gives me something to “fight for” in a sense or gives me at least a meaning for the “work” that I need to do. Slipping into entropy is seems blissful at first and as my subconscious relished in this pseudo relief that I felt in not doing what I “should do” and it gave me very rational excuses as to I can’t do the thing I needed to do. But from experience I can tell you that my body and my psyche suffered greatly in this process. Let me explain…for one thing my money began to literally fly out the window and I wasn’t even sure why ($500 in unpaid school fees that I thought I had paid, as one example)! A love interest literally imploded and was over quicker than it began, leaving me starving for answers and more attention.  I started to drink more and emotionally eat, my fuse became short and even the stress rash on my face threatened to re-appear. The panic attacks came knocking at the door, painful rumination set in, and the all too familiar feeling of wanting to quit…it all…again returned. Well, there’s some disorder & disease for ya!  

So, in this dance between order and disorder, I am told that humans actually prefer disorder/chaos. Say what? But, looking back over my life’s history, I used to view “order” as control. So much of my life was spent forcing myself into said “order” (which was actually control both by others and by myself to perform a role vs be myself) and doing things from a fear-based world view that I felt order was a terrible thing. This is super common in complex PTSD survivors to run from order that feels like control, because we felt so dominated over during our childhood and/or in our primary adult relationships (which usually mirror childhood ones) plus, we are addicted (yes, our bodies crave) stress hormones created by…you guessed it…chaos. We all know someone (or are someone) where things just keep going wrong for and are continually in a state of chaos and stress. Well… here’s our sign.

The opposite of entropy (chaos) is negentropy; which is organization, order structure and function. I am going to add here…the ability to accomplish…purpose. In reading further about these laws of thermodynamics, which I previously knew nothing about, revealed that…The laws of thermodynamics describe how the energy in a system changes and whether the system can perform useful work on its surroundings (if that doesn’t sound like purpose I guess I don’t know what does).

One article I read stated that there is active and passive stability needed to maintain negentropy or order & functionality. That some systems will maintain their stability on their own (passive). But others need active stability to maintain order and functionality. An example they gave of active stability is that fighter jet because it needs to actively adjust its wings constantly and this has to be done with a computer because of the specificity and high rate of change required to fly such advanced machines (for those of you familiar with my journey, you will see the irony in this example and remember my signature phrase is “learning to fly” which is also tattooed on my ribs).  Relationships also require active stability. They are dynamic and ever changing and require attention and care in order to “fly.” As I read this, I realized that entropy (disorder) is actually self-abandonment, meaning that we do not actively care for and pay attention to the relationship we have with ourselves. In doing so, we create disorder & ultimately disease and death. Once again, here I am back looking through trauma lens, as many of us who have had adverse childhood events (ACEs) have never been shown how to care for ourselves and this relationship with ourselves, nor have healthy relationships with others (a key to nervous system regulation and good health). In the ACEs studies, it was found that we actually are more likely to have diseases, suffer from addictions, be incarcerated and have lower life expectancies (now that is some kind of dis-order). This is why complex PTSD survivors desperately need these active life-giving practices to attune to ourselves (since we didn’t get this in childhood nor were taught how to do this perhaps…ever) and take care of our bodies and also why that sometimes seems impossible and easy to neglect.

So, here I am, with one more “trip around the mountain” completed, seeing much clearer as I make my way to the summit of this particular peak. In the AlAnon and AA recovery programs we speak of relapses and recovery from self-abandonment is no different. In this relapse into old habits (let’s be honest, this is my conditioning since childhood, so I have practiced it for quite some time) I have learned that it doesn’t take very long at all to slide down the slippery slope into entropy and disorder. However, I don’t have the usual companion of shame this time. I am slowly learning that awareness with compassion is the only way to approach true change. It isn’t easy to break the habit of being yourself (which truly was a conglomeration of trauma responses necessary for survival at that time). I am very grateful for people like my coach Sally at Ready to Grow whose quotes you will see spattered within this blog, who states “We are simply walking one another home.”

So, as I make this trek out of entropy and back towards negentropy; order for my chaos, I am looking at it through a different lens. Order… no longer scares me or feels like pushing a boulder up a mountain or maintaining spinning plates with rigid control. It looks to me like attuning and attending to the most important of all relationships, the one I have with myself. Today is day three of giving myself active stability with life-giving practices (attuning to that fighter jet in flight) and I can feel the life seeping back into my bones. The order feels soothing to the chaos inside of my body and soul, it feels safe.

I am also excited because with this realization and education about order and disorder, I can see that by me taking care of me, creates and order and according to the law of thermodynamics that means I will have the energy available to do useful work! Useful work means that my life has meaning and creates even more energy because having a purpose and adds years to my life (according the Blue Zones studies). It actually excites me to rediscover new ways of creating this balance between order and disorder that could impact not only my life but the lives of those around me.