Lesson’s From Leonard - Part 1: Made for Love
Shhhh…don’t tell my landlord (cats aren’t allowed) but back in November I embarked on the unique journey of cat-sitting my dear friends beloved cat. His name is Lenny, I call him Leonard for…well…I just call him Leonard, it’s our thing. Lenny is made for love. He is a Ragamuffin breed, peach colored long soft fur who walks as if he is punch drunk in love looking for inanimate objects to show affection to by rubbing up against them. Sometimes, he falls over onto his back exposing his belly, legs in the air waiting for a meandering hand to rub his belly. He purrs so loudly and expressively that his nose basically clogs up and he mouth breaths, something I had never experienced with a cat before. The runt of the litter, his purpose throughout his 12 years on this earth is to provide emotional support to whomever needs it at the time, don’t worry, he will find you in the crowd if you are in need of love. When he had a sister, he would lick the frost off the window for her so they could see out the window, our little window licker, is pure love indeed. These are the lessons that I learned from Leonard (3 part series).
In the morning, Lenny gets in these moods where all he does is meow, so I set up a routine checking for all of the things that could be causing him distress. I wake up now and refill both of this water and food dishes. I scoop out his litter box to assure the prince, indeed this sandbox is worthy of his waste (if not, he does pee on my bath mat). So, having done all this, he is still meowing and I am perplexed as to what this cat could want. I plopped down on the floor, his little brush in hand and begin to brush him. His purr motor immediately begins to hum, mouth wide open and tongue out (yes, that is the way it goes for him). Karla (Lenny’s mom) had told me that “Lenny likes his cheeks rubbed every morning” and to be honest I was like, “Yeah, yeah” and brushed it off. Then, it hit me, this cat needs love. I lingered a good amount of time brushing his fluffy fur and letting him push his cheeks against the brush and my hand.
My lesson from Leonard today was that I too was made for love. I crave it. Ache for it at times. Perform and cry to get it, waiting and pleading desperately for someone to give it to me. It’s like air to me and sadly, it seems, that sometimes it is intentionally withheld. In doing excavation of my inner world, I discovered that I don’t know a character within me that provides unconditional love. I can sure find the inner critic, the fearful little girl or the perfectionist (them I know all too well). But, the saintly mother figure who sits with her crying or disobedient child, staring loving into their face, swaddling and rocking them in a warm embrace…her…I have a hard time finding. What if I don’t have one? Yikes, there’s a disturbing thought. I mean, I have to have one, I did show love to my kids (albeit very imperfect). So, where is this comforter…the one who loves all of me?
I treat myself a lot like I treated Leonard. I assure that all my physical needs are met, performing all of the activities I believe will meet my needs but maybe there’s something missing? What if I am going through the motions and doing these things, filling the water dishes, cleaning the litter box and not loving the being that uses those? What if my anxiety and panic is simply the baby residing inside of me screaming to be held lovingly. Soothed and reassured, that all is well despite my piercing cries. Or, the naughty and defiant toddler who is angry that they cannot do it themselves and are throwing a tantrum and needing unconditional love and patience? Maybe even the teenager who yells profanity out of frustration and acts out in all kinds of ways but yearns for their parent to accept them, embracing them in a huge hug and wiping away their mascara stained tears?
We were made for love. Love is connection. No human can give perfect love to another, it’s not possible. I get that now. I wasn’t loved in the way I needed to be loved, I am pretty sure that just like Lenny, I need (needed) an extraordinary amount of love and connection. We were made for love. However, it is my job to reunite with myself in that loving embrace and give myself copious amounts of love at this time, the time of realization. Experts have found that if a child is severely disconnected from a loving source of care, they will not survive. While this is a drastic example, I cannot help but think of my past suicidal ideation, where obviously there was a lack of self-love, of empathy, of care. Back to my original point, do I have that mother figure full of unconditional love and connection within me? Someone who will plop down on the floor with me and rub my cheeks and just lovingly brush my hair? I hope to meet her soon.
***Update: This was published on this blog on March 10, 2023. That night at midnight I woke up with extreme anxiety, beginning to think of a situation in which I felt powerless, judged and trapped. This extreme anger overcame me, such rage! Heels dug in, I could find no way out. I am familiar with this type of feeling. I have come to know it is my wounded warrior, coming to try to protect this little child within me yet scaring her to death, providing no answers and no hope.
I attend weekly Al-Anon meetings and I realized that this experience landed me squarely back at steps 1-3, where in my words, “My life has become unmanageable, I turn my life and will over to a Higher Power to restore me to sanity.” And, as I prayed once more, this familiar prayer of surrender, I met “her.” I met within me that ‘loving mother’ who comforted me in the night but also led me to visualize her with me in this powerless situation. She provided me a way thru the pain that I would no doubt encounter in this reality I lived in. For so long, I couldn’t tolerate this big pain or the unknown but within these gentle sobs at midnight, I found within me the most wise, tender and comforting mother.
Never doubt that forces beyond our comprehension are conspiring for our good and our soul’s evolution,
because we were made for love.
