Lessons From Leonard - “That wasn’t my intent.”

This is the second lesson I learned from Leonard.

Recap on who Leonard is. Leonard is my friend’s cat. His real name is Lenny but I call him Leonard.  He is a bred for love. He was runt of the litter, his purpose throughout his 12 years on this earth is to provide emotional support to whomever needs it at the time. He’s definitely a lover, not a fighter. His only defense in life is a slow-motion paw with extended claws but he can’t even move that fast enough to do any damage. The lesson you are about to read was the most powerful lesson that Leonard taught me during our two-week rendezvous together in my home.

As, I set about my day, which included scooping his litter box and sweeping the floor in my bathroom where it was housed, I walked past Leonard with the blue broom and dustpan. He took one look at that broom and slunked down, trying to hide under the couch and he hissed at me! This docile, fluffy love bug was poised and ready to fight to the death for his survival against this predator…the blue broom. I reassured him that he would live to see another day and set to the task of cleaning up those terrible little pebbles that plagued my feet, returning the object of doom (the broom) to its rightful place in the pantry.

This incident however, serves as a great reminder for me that about the intersection of intent and traumatization. You see, it didn’t really matter what my intent was with the broom. I only wanted to have a clean space and never intended to terrorize the dear cat. But, it was only Leonard’s perception that this broom would ensure he met his doom that petrified him and traumatized him. His limbic or survival system was activated by his perception of threat, not my intention.

This is the most tragic part of trauma. I don’t think anyone sets out to harm their loved ones, do you? I mean, maybe there are some psychopaths or sociopaths that are born without conscious who pre-meditate harm. But, if you look at our loved ones, deep down inside, I know that mine truly loved me, never intending to harm me, yet ended up traumatizing me. The same goes for myself and my beautiful daughters. I cried today, as I did my yoga while looking some pictures of them staring back at me. They were littles and my oldest was holding the younger one, grinning ear to ear. I never intended to harm them, yet…I did.

“I never meant that!” 

“That’s wasn’t my intent!” 

Are two phrases that we hear often, at least I did, as I would share my emotions to an event or conversations my family of origin or in my marriage, friendships and working relationships. So, while I can see cognitively that they weren’t trying to hurt me, because of my unique perspective, personality etc I was traumatized nonetheless. I perceived them as a threat, my body said that it was in immediate threat, just like the blue broom.

The experts speak of generational trauma and I can see clearly how this type of behavior is passed on from one generation to the next. I can think back to when my children were little and when I was triggered (by trauma in my past) and I didn’t recognize it was trauma, I simply went into the auto pilot, basically hissing at my children. When speaking about my 22-year marriage, I can logically understand that it was most likely not my ex-husband’s intent to harm me but my perception was that that blue broom was going to be my doom. As my childhood trauma combined with the collective trauma of 2020 and years of these complex traumatic situations (for me, my brain, my sensitive personality) it made for the perfect trauma storm. I was like dear Leonard, slunked down, hissing wildly, trapped in my own limbic system nightmare. That’s what trauma feels like, a wild animal, trapped and caged being tortured by the people they once loved, or still do.

Often our own ego traps us. I understand what it takes to weather dismantling so strong that one has the courage to admit their unintentional abuse to another human being. It is brutal. The unmaking is intense as parts of your personality or ego die. As long as the ego tries to protect us and our pride, we unintentionally harm the ones we love. It’s not our intent but that doesn’t matter at the end of the day. So, what is the antidote to all of this? I didn’t intend to scare Leonard with the broom but yet I may need to make some modifications to my routine if I would take his best interest to heart, because this IS HIS REALITY.  I should wait until he is resting comfortably in the next room until I bring out his “enemy.” And, I will do this because I want to understand him and how he operates because I love him. I want to take him as a part of myself during his stay with me. So, while not my intent to scare, it was the result of my actions with the broom. So, I will make amends with dear Leonard and modify my actions as this “loving parent” to him as to not traumatize him once again. This is part of the answer to ending generational trauma.

If I was stuck in my own trauma, my own limbic system activated, survival mode “on” or ego driven, I could have yelled at Leonard “You stupid cat! I am cleaning up after you!” maybe even lunging at him, scaring him further. You may cringe at this, but we have all done this in some way to our loved ones, co-workers or friends (I guarantee it). But, if your own nervous system is regulated, you would be able to cultivate some empathy for the scared cat and his response of hissing or lashing out and recognize his own protection methods, fear etc. Not as a reflection of your intent but an understanding of his reality. This is attuning to someone else. Taking their best interest into your heart and making those adjustments based on what is best for them. Not what you believe is best for them, but truly what is best for them. So, could I keep sweeping the floor while Leonard cowers in fear? Yes. That’s my right, my choice. Or, as mentioned, I can adjust and attune to his needs and reassure him that he is safe.

People that have experienced trauma (big T or little t) ranging from emotional neglect to physical or sexual abuse often don’t feel safe in this world. We are like wide-eyed Lenny’s seeking desperately to give and receive love yet never feeling that we are safe, looking for the next threat around the corner.

So, where am I heading with this message? There is such intense shame around trauma inducing behaviors that it leads care-givers or spouses even to defend their actions and project blame onto the survivors. I understand that it wasn’t their intent to harm me (my unique case) and now, by sharing my experience, it is not my intent to harm them. But, if we do not validate our reality and our children’s reality, attuning to needs we are in a sense torturing them and ourselves similar to sweeping in front of Lenny, every day. Can you imagine?

It takes a great sense of self-awareness and self-acceptance (perhaps supernatural assistance) to own up to our past transgressions despite our positive intent. I have learned that the ego always has a positive intent (survival) even for “bad” behaviors. Once recognized though, it is our responsibility to regulate our nervous system with loving self-care, therapy, supportive relationships, and nurturing foods, adequate sleep etc. so we can be “online” meeting our own needs, attuning to our internal needs.  Only then, when it comes to attuning to our children (first and foremost) and then to our intimate partners and even co-workers, friends etc. This is all a journey, a learning process. We will never do it perfectly. Along with this comes forgiveness.

 “The truth will set you free,” I couldn’t agree more. When it comes to my own trauma, seeing the truth of it with my eyes wide open, has set me free in so many ways, one of which being that there was a reason for my actions (slunked down, hissing cat at blue brooms). I was not a flawed individual, I was a scared wild little animal who needed comforting and re-assurance. When we deny reality by defending our behaviors, we only add to the trauma. I could explain to Lenny until the day is long that I never intended to harm him and it wouldn’t make a hill of beans of difference. His reality is his reality.

So, when my children come to me and share their experiences about growing up with me, I am now (finally) learning to say…

“Wow, that sounds terrifying. I am so sorry that you had to experience those painful emotions.

I hope you know that was never my intent to hurt you. I hope that one day you can forgive me

because I am truly sorry for what I put you through and will not repeat this pattern.”

It’s tough sometimes, I will admit, to hear them speak both because my actions were so harmful and also because of how much I truly love them. Whereas, I used to yell out,

“No! It wasn’t like that! I never did (or said) that. I didn’t mean to do that!”

For those of you still tracking with the message, this behavior is actually gaslighting and is super dangerous to the child’s development. I was not only telling them that the trauma didn’t happen but also creating doubt within themselves, setting them up to not trust themselves nor reality.This is very dangerous scenario even in adulthood.  Even if I don’t agree with my children (or co-worker, friend, partner etc), I must validate their experiences. They have the right to their reality.

I know people may want to silence the shame, feeling it impossible that they harmed someone because it wasn’t their intent. But, silence serves no one and we all suffer. It is only the truth brought to light that has the power to tend to these wounds of trauma and heal all involved. Survivors may experience all of the stages of grief in acknowledging that our care-givers weren’t able to care for us in the way we needed and we finally own the lonely or abusive childhood that we experienced versus the healthy childhood we deserved. No one is perfect, no childhood is perfect. But, children of trauma often tend to believe that it is them (us) that is flawed due to the “god-like” nature of parental units, needed for survival.

Think of the conundrum that Leonard just experienced; here is his caregiver, the one he depends on for food and ultimately his very survival is carrying the “death-weapon,” the blue broom. What can he really do? Fight, flight or freeze. Imagine that scenario, over and over again. Not to mention that we often choose relationships in adult life that replicate this familiarity in relationships because its what we know as “love.” Talk about suffering.

Traumatized dear one, you are not crazy, you were made to love. Dear one who traumatizes, (as we are both) you were made for love and may you recognize your own trauma so as to not traumatize others. Love faces the pain of reality. Love faces the truth. My intent is that we can heal our childhood wounds and find connection because we were made for love.